can we fast forward to May please?

Over the past several weeks I have decided that I do not like the month of April. Is it possible to just fast forward to May? I know it seems silly to even say that, but those of you who know me well know that last April my family experienced the worst thing that has ever happened to us....losing the head of our family....Our father, my children's Papa, my mom's husband.

Although I have not blogged much on this subject over the past year, it has been on my mind and heart daily. I have sat down in front of my laptop several times, wanting to type the words out that are in my mind, but always end up stopping either because the tears cloud my vision or because I just don't want to share my thoughts.

I know people say "it will get easier" during rough times. Things did get a bit easier, but just knowing that the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life is coming up makes all the emotions come flooding back. I don't want a year to have passed....I don't want 5 years...or 10 years to pass without him. I don't want those memories that are so real to start slipping away.

Memories of our times together and nightmares from the week following his death pop into my mind daily....leaving a knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart. Somedays I just want to hit something and scream WHY!? at the top of my lungs. It just kills me to know that last year at this time we were one big happy family...celebrating my mom's birthday and having weekend cookouts. We had no way of knowing that in a few short weeks our lives would be turned upside down. Even when I got the call that he was in the hospital I just knew that he would be fine...almost like he was invincible.

We never got to say goodbye....never got to tell him how much we loved him or appreciated his sacrifices and his unconditional love for us. I never told him thanks for treating me like his own daughter even though we're not blood related. He raised me and loved me and treated me like his own since I was a mere 1 year old. In our home, "step" dad was one of those dirty little four letter words that we just didn't say.

I guess what prompted me to finally write this blog was the fact that one of the last things we have that remind us of him was sold today....his treasured pickup. He had sacrificed for us his entire life and once we were all out of the house he bought himself the very first brand new vehicle that he had ever owned. It was his baby....well that and his Harley. He loved it and he definitely deserved it. Funny thing is, he regretted buying it often...hated to spend that much money on himself. That was him, always thinking of others before himself. Rhett and I had it for a while trying to sell it for my mom and driving it just made me feel close to him. It even smells a bit like he did. It was just HIM.

I know I'm being a downer right now and I do have so many things to be thankful for...first and foremost being my family. We have been each others' rocks....we love each other unconditionally and that will never change. We are strong and we will go on because that's what he would have wanted. We miss him terribly and we will continue to treasure the wonderful memories we have of him.

I have several songs I like to listen to...either that remind me of him, make me feel better, or just songs to cry to. One that I listen to often and can relate to every single word is this one....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJ_j6YVCKYM

FYI: The actual anniversary isn't until the end of the month so just know that I will probably be posting more sad blogs and even some with good memories and pictures.